So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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