how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
