I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Randomize
