How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Randomize
