I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Randomize
