Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
