do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
