dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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