woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
