I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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