You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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