I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
