Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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