mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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