Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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