I wish I could punch you in the face.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
