man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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