Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
