"it" just moved
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize
