Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
