Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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