Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
