I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
