my mouth tastes like poor choices
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
