just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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