True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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