What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
