Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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