I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize