Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
