She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
