my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
