I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
