Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
