it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
