I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
