The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I love you.
Bad choice
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
