I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
