Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize