No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
