And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
