The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
