i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
