So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
