and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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