I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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