Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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