my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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