I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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