Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize