My friends, they love my intelligence
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
