Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
