I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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