how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
well you can't waste a boner
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
