Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
