Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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