life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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