i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
