So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize