If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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