The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
