When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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