I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
