You're completely useless in the revolution.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
