Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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