Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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