New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
