don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
