Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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