I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
it's like heaven, but drunker
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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