Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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