I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
