take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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